How many times have you kept a secret from your partner? Before you answer, remember that we are not talking about little and harmless secrets, such as how you sneak cookies from the cupboard before bed each night or that you are hiding your nerdy fandom for all things Star Wars. We mean keeping secrets that can destroy a marriage.
For example … perhaps you have a bank account your wife does not know about.
Maybe you have been having an emotional affair.
It could also be that you have been lying about legal problems with your company or that you kicked your alcohol habit to the curb.
Partners keep secrets from each other, and their reasons for doing so run the gamut. Sure, they could be intentionally doing something nefarious and do not want anyone — especially their spouse — to find out. But it could also be because they are embarrassed or ashamed of the truth and even scared that their partner will criticize or judge them somehow.
They could have also convinced themselves that keeping this one secret is better than hurting their spouse and losing them for good. Regardless of the reason, keeping secrets can be detrimental and a sign that the relationship is already in trouble.
Four Reasons Why Keeping Secrets Can Destroy a Marriage
- Keeping secrets leads to poor communication — Communicating with your spouse should come naturally. If you or your spouse are constantly hiding something and keeping secrets, regardless of how big or small those secrets are, you will never be fully open with each other, which could make it less likely that the relationship will survive.
- Secrets breed anger and resentment — Your spouse may not know what your secret is right now. But what if they find out? Or worse, what if they can tell you are hiding something? Even if they do not know the secret, this can lead to many emotional reactions, including anger and resentment. We also challenge you to consider how keeping that secret makes you feel toward yourself. Do you feel guilty, stressed out, and even resentful toward yourself? How is that impacting your marriage?
- Keeping secrets creates trust issues and begets more deceit — Once you have one secret locked away, it is much easier to add more as the years go by. Conversely, once your spouse learns of your secrets, they will want to know what else you have been hiding. There may not be any other secrets, but they may struggle to believe you.
- Keeping secrets can create unwanted emotional distance — The more you keep secrets, and the more they weigh on you and your partner, the higher the likelihood that you or they will disconnect emotionally from the relationship. This can lead to alienation between both partners and ultimately destroy the marriage.
If you constantly find yourself keeping secrets from your spouse that might destroy your marriage, it is wise to get to the bottom of it. You can do this through speaking to a counselor or clergy member. But more importantly, be open and honest with your spouse. Create more honest communication with your spouse where both of you feel safe talking to each other about anything that may be hurting your relationship and how you can fix those issues together.
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