We live in an age where divorce is alarmingly common. After all, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That is the statistic everyone references, and they are absolutely spot on. As a result, you would think that is all I do in my practice — help people get divorced. Furthermore, it is also easy to think that everyone who walks in cannot wait to end their marriage.
But that is not always the case. Many times, clients who come into my office do not want to be divorced.
Perhaps it is the spouse who at first turned their back on the relationship but now wants to save their marriage.
Maybe it is someone who was caught off-guard by their spouse’s request for a divorce and is seeking guidance.
In each situation, the human tendency is to do the exact opposite of what we should do. Rather than give our significant other time and space or show them through genuine actions that we are committed to a heart change, we instead feel the need to put on a full-court press to win them back.
How many times have you seen, experienced, or done the following?
- One spouse becomes overly affectionate in a short period of time.
- One spouse stays “in the face” of the other spouse with countless “apologies” and forgot that an apology with a but at the end is not an apology…..
- One spouse begs and pleads, going so far as to grovel – even if they are not at fault.
- One spouse loses control of their emotions and causes undo stress with continued arguing and resentment
- One spouse buys unnecessary gifts (flowers, jewelry), thinking that is the way to their spouse’s heart
As difficult as this is to admit, us men are the worst at this. We think we can fix anything. We start bringing flowers home. We say how much we love you. We even promise that we will be better. It is like we are trying to “date” all over again because, surely, this is what will fix everything.
More often than not, these specific words and actions push the other spouse away rather than bring them closer. Why? Because they come across as fake, forced, and desperate. Your spouse is thinking, “Geez, man. Just leave me alone!” Not to mention, “Where was all of this love and affection a year ago, or 20 years ago? Do you even know why I am upset or why we are in this mess?”
It is perfectly acceptable to show remorse. However, genuine actions that spark real change speak louder than words. Instead of putting on the proverbial full-court press, improve yourself and the marriage with genuine intentions. The focus needs to be on yourself not your spouse.
Here are just a few suggestions:
- Be authentic.
- Enroll in counseling.
- Read books on how to better yourself as a person.
- Give your spouse space.
- Apologize for any neglect you have caused (without overdoing it).
- Invite your spouse on their terms and, if they are willing, discuss specific areas of concern.
- Invest in getting to know your spouse again. Court them, date them, enjoy time together.
- Focus on your spouse’s needs and wants
I always counsel clients to focus more on developing themselves personally rather than forcing something to happen through disingenuous words or actions. And if they listen, one of two things will happen:
- They will prove to their spouse that they had a heart change and care more about the marriage, or
- The marriage will dissolve anyway but you have improved you….
I realize this concept is foreign to a lot of people. But I have personally seen this with clients I have counseled, and some marriages were restored, and they went on to have amazing lives together.
Call Nelson Law Group today!!
If divorce is the answer, you need a trusted advisor to guide you through each stage of your divorce and avoid the potential pitfalls of horrible divorce advice. We work diligently to achieve a result that ensures you receive what you are entitled to as you move forward onto the next stage of your life. The Nelson Law Group brings nearly two decades of experience in family law to each and every case.
Give our knowledgeable staff here at Nelson Law Group, PC, a call if you have any further questions regarding this or any other issue. Our staff is always available. Give us a call today! For more information about Brett A Nelson, click here.